the rest of the weekend was pretty great, just enjoying the time and the beautiful weather.  this is gonna be a pretty boring post even though i haven’t posted in a long time.  i have started so many but then got distracted.  there have been lost of ups and downs the last few months.  i am looking very hard for a new job and really searching for what i should do next and when.  lots of options right now just trying to decide which is the wisest option to take and when.  just because there is opportunity, doesn’t mean it is the right one.  that is basically the short version of what is going on.

i ran my first 10K…well ran/walked.  it was a challenge and i am so proud of myself for doing it!! my time was 1 hour 19 minutes and 51 seconds.  it was very cool.  i did it with a couple people from work and am definitely glad that we did it.  we are already looking forward to doing it next year and being more prepared for it as well, lol. 

other things…i am excited about next week being a four day week.  i have friday off work so i can go spend more time with my family and see a friend that i have not spent time with in a long time.  i am excited to catch up with her and share what is going on with me.  Fall is in the air and that makes me very happy!  i feel like i am becoming more of the person that i want to be and that may sound weird but i can’t really explain it other than to say that i am walking out what is inside me and everything i want.  so i am finding more and more contentment even in the struggles.

This is what i keep thinking of, and i love this clip by the way.  when Will Smith stops him and and tells him this is where you live, this is home.  none of this…making the pizza, no just right here.  Trust, this is where i live, this is home. none of this…but am i supposed to be moving? no, just right here…trust.  none of the…but do you want me to look for another job.  just the trust.  “i trust in your unfailing love.” this is where i am right now and you know what…that is where i find my peace.  i felt like i was coming apart and now this is where my joy is…the simplest thing of just trusting in him.  when i am near to him, i know that i am right where i need to be.

those verses…i am repeating them over and over letting them sink deep inside me.  i cling to them and as i sang, i felt the question…Will you trust in me?  my answer is yes and i will walk out that answer.  that is where i am…there is where i am living right now, trust.

- so very excited for vacation which is only 11 days away!!! i will get to see the ocean for the first time and hang out with one of my friends who i have not seen in way too long. i miss her so much especially now that friendships here are miinimal at best.

- friendships…my friend who i have distanced myself from, sent me a message about how this has all sucked for her. part of me blanched at that, thinking really? it has sucked for you? because it has been all rainbows and butterflies on my end. i waited to respond and told her that beasically things hadn’t changed and i couldn’t put myself in certain situations anymore. i am not over it, it sucks. losing your best friend sucks.

- work has its moments and i have moments where i just want to be done there, seriously done.

- i don’t know where i am being led right now but i have begun to research teaching in other places. i know that while i fulfill requirements, i can substitute. i just briefly breezed through some sites last night and will probably look up some more today.

but this morning, i am in a parade which i am really excited about! i love parades and walking in one and handing out candy is so fun! so that is me right now. i think that looking forward to vacation right now is my biggest and most needed distraction.

work this last week put me over the edge to where i just checked out.  i was there, i was going through the motions but nothing extra.  if i am honest with myself, this is not where i want to be or what i want to be doing.  i saw a commercial the other day where this guy was talking about how he got this degree from this particular school, goes to work at a job that he loves every day, and goes home to his family.  i thought, wow i wonder how it feels to go to a job you love every day.  i don’t know that feeling right now.  there are so many things that upset me there, with the feeling of people in authority being so passive and just a “not caring” attitude.  it bothers me because i bust my ass to get things done and done correctly and if they don’t care, then why should i? i know that realistically it is because it is in my character to do my best and be a hard worker even if others are not.  it just gets hard sometimes when it feels like it doesn’t matter. 

this last weekend i went to see my family and had a long talk with one of my sisters just about things i am thinking about and where i am.  i have a lot of research to do and praying as well.  i need to seek direction because i feel like i am going to be starting in a new direction.  a few years ago, i had told a friend of mine that i needed to move away.  i have this thing about being in a place for a certain amount of time and then leaving, getting the itch.  He said what are you thinking? you have a great job, and great friends there…you need to stay put.  He was right…at the time.  right now i feel like i don’t have either of those things…yes a steady good paying job but i don’t like it and am not happy.  deal breakers.

 Just about one month left before i go on vacation and i am on the countdown.  i just want to get away from the drama and crap.  my friend that i am going to spend the week with there secretly is hoping that i like it so much there that i will want to move.  realistically it is unlikely that i would make that kind of move but there is a part of me that jumps at that.  we will see what happens.  anyway, it is hot here and maybe that is making people more cranky and childish, not in a good way. 

one a positive note, i am jazzed about making new things food wise.  i found an article on a website that had kid friendly poolside snacks.  they had chickpeas that are seasoned and roasted in the oven, they become crunchy like nuts.  i really want to try those.  There are some other things on there like strawberry and cream cheese sandwiches that i think my niece and nephew would like.  i am excited to share it with my sister and make some of this stuff.  i also bought this new kind of pepper that i am thinking about putting in rice bowls this weekend.  it is supposed to have a sweet taste to it and i think that would go well with some black beans, rice, pulled pork, sour cream.  yum, now i am making myself hungry. Not much else going on, just trying to stay cool.

today i went to early service at church so that i could get home before the heat got too bad.  i made an awesome soup today with yellow summer squash, green beans, carrots, corn, red potatoes, and pulled pork.  it was delicious! other than that i have just been relaxing here.  it is hotter than hades outside so i am happy to be in.  it is supposed to stay that way throughout the week so we will see.  thankfully i have been running inside on the treadmill where it is air conditioned so this heat won’t get in the way of that.  that is all for now…

- this week i am signing up to run a 10K, which is 6.2 miles.  it is happening at the end of September and i think it will be a big accomplishment for me.  i have run three 5K races in the last year and i really want to show myself that i can do this.  i have just gotten back to training after being lazy for a bit.  Monday i ran 2 miles and today i did 2.5 miles so i am pushing myself and trying to build up endurance before i even consider working on speed.  so things are going well there.

- i went on the yearly vacation with my dad up to a family cabin…of course my sister and brother-in-law and niece and nephew were there as well.  i had some speed bumps along the way but i took my peaceful moments, fought for them, and really took the opportunity to savor the moments.  i think that is so important, a lesson i learned a while ago but only have truly embraced in the last few years.  i still can remember being in Syracuse, NY and stopping and telling myself to look around and soak in all of this…this is for me.  what a gift those moments and times are. 

- i am going on vacation again in a month. this time i am going to the east coast to see the ocean for the first time.  i am SO excited!! i am visiting a friend who lives there who i haven’t seen in probably 5 years.  i miss her like crazy and with recent events which i will talk about next, i miss friendships like that more than i can say.

- now that i have listed all the good things that have happened and are coming up…some rough stuff.  i have put distance between my best friend and i.  something happened while we were out and it made me uncomfortable since it wasn’t the first time i had seen some of this, i knew that i just couldn’t justify it any longer.  thinsg were awkward for about a week, then i went on vacation, and now things are weird, VERY different, but eh i am managing.  see we work together so that is why it is weird. it is hard because we used to talk about everything, hang out all the time, and now it is just nothing.  friends, are hard to come by…it is hard to lose them.  other things that i will keep private but that i miss more than i can possibly express and that have left me crying and questioning often.

so yea it is a mixed bag.  i know that i am doing what i know to be right for me.  that does not make it easy.  i have been reminded of when i had some roommates and then they moved out after a semester and i was getting new ones.  i felt so alone at the time, like everyone that i had become close to were gone.  it was a time when it was needed in my life, that i be stripped down so to speak so that i could get back to who i should be, who God wants me to be, where he takes away all distractions and all that is stealing my time including people so that i will turn to him and focus on what is most important.  being reminded of that, i am almost excited because i know at that time, it was huge in my growth and learning and i know there is so much that is in store for me.  so i just have to keep that at the forefront of my mind and not allow myself to get dragged down by all the woe is me, i’m all alone, don’t feel like i fit in anymore type of thoughts and mindsets…which by the way was totally stealing my attention today.  see i told you that this writing stuff helps.  so in following with the words of an unbelievable friend of mine, i will pick myself up, dust my ass off, and step forward