i love it when i go to church and sit there feeling like God is speaking directly to me through the pastor. Like the entire message was crafted just for me. yesterday was that way for me…it was as if pastor and i were sitting in a room and he was just talking to me. i have written here just a little about the rough time i am going through but mostly i have kept a lot of it to myself. i have struggled with how i am feeling and figuring out what i should feel. saturday i was thinking about emotions and came up with teh question of if i could give up one emotion and never feel it again, which one would it be? not much thought needed…frustration is what i would give up. it leads me to bad places and bad emotions. well i go into church on sunday and the message is on emotions. when it seemed so hard in worship to let my walls down, when i just felt like i was in a fog, now God had my full attention. and i tell you what, i was surprised about what i heard and what i learned. it continues to today and tonight. i was trying all day just to keep my eyes on him. i wore a rubberband around my wrist to remind me, a tangible reminder. when i got home from work, i put on some music to focus on God, His character and who He is. and i just fell apart…telling Him i don’t know how to feel, where to go, what to say, what to do. i feel alone, the place where i am afraid of most…and since i was heading there i backed away from people, wanting for it to be on my terms because that makes it easier. and i started to back away from this place…needing to go. but i also don’t want my fear and my feelings about things right now here to get in the way of what He wants me to do. i was led back to scripture from yesterday at church. “But i trust in your unfailing love. i will rejoice because you have rescued me. i will sing to the Lord for he has been so good to me” Psalm 13:5-6
those verses…i am repeating them over and over letting them sink deep inside me. i cling to them and as i sang, i felt the question…Will you trust in me? my answer is yes and i will walk out that answer. that is where i am…there is where i am living right now, trust.
