content, happy, and warm

so i woke up this morning and there was snow on the ground, *GRINS*  i do love this time of year!   yes i had to go out and drive to work in it and people freak out with the snow like they have never seen the stuff before much less driven in it.  BUT…it was snowing and i couldn’t help but smile because of it.  i have a fire in my fireplace and am watching the movie “Elf” on tv.  love it, just love it.  oh and ice cream ready to be scooped and enjoyed by the fire.  bliss? nah…but close, very close

the flue the flue

so i stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work.  it was windy and cold which shouldn’t be a surprise as tomorrow is the beginning of December but i am shocked anyhow and shivering.  i get home and put a log on the fire.  put the groceries away as i talk to my mom.  busily get dinner started, turn on the computer and light the fire as i return to the kitchen, put down the phone and stir the ground beef.  then i think did i open it? i go into the living room and just as smoke is coming out of the fireplace i start cussing.  flames rising and me trying to remember if you push up or down.  more expletives and i just know that the beeping is going to start soon, that ear piercing screech.  finally victory as i get it opne…the flue the flue.  ugh, BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!!!  running to get a chair to stand on, reaching up and pulling it out of the ceiling…blessed silence.  throwing open the windows, turning on the fan.  honestly i don’t know where my mind is sometimes.  but all is well.  another lesson another day.

its hard enough…

i just posted yesterday about being thankful and i am, this does not negate that.  i just don’t understand sometimes.  i have been having a hard time at work.  i switched department and before i even moved my boss was telling my soon to be boss that i was going to blow all the rest in that department.  nice compliment for me? yes, i am hard working…but it set me up in a huge way.  it is a lot to remember, it is a lot to process and i felt like i was making mistakes all the time.  before when i was a teller, yes i would make a mistake but it didn’t have the weight that it does now that i am somewhere else.  mistakes in the new department are more costly.  i feel like i ask too many questions and then when i screw up, i feel like i didn’t ask enough.  it doesn’t help that i was trained for a total of three days before they let me go on my own.  i was just starting to feel better about it.  i would get my work done and work on projects.  i felt good that i was accomplishing so much.  i would talk to my friend about how different it was, (we used to work together in my old department)  well today it was mentioned by her and maybe my old boss something about people in my department being bored…to my new boss.  i never said that…i said that i got a lot done in good time…i said that i was surprised at how much i was able to do…mentioned that i liked to be busy.  well since everyone knows we are friends, who does it fall on? me.  which is shit.  she tells me she didn’t mention any names and wasn’t talking about me.  well you know what, maybe you should have mentioned names because at this point, everyone thinks it is me out there telling people that i am bored all the time and don’t have enough to do.  it is already hard enough fitting into a new department when i don’t feel like i am like any of the people up there.  thanks for making my job harder.  thanks for making me look like a bad guy who throws everyone under the bus.  i am so glad that it is friday and i don’t have to deal with any of that for two days.  it is such catty bs and i hate it.  i got in my car tonight and couldn’t wait to get on the highway and press on the gas.  i wished that i could just drive and drive.  nothing like friends throwing you under the bus to make you feel alone.

i am THANKFUL!

so many things i am thankful for…

my niece and nephew who are growing like weeds and are oh so cute, i just want to hug them all the time!

my job, overwhelming as it may be sometimes, i have come to realize that all the comments from coworkers are just what i need to keep me going and nudge me in the positive direction.  i need to think of those “i hear you are going to town in that position” or “they tell me you are kicking butt there” when i am feeling stressed and remind myself that i CAN do this.  it is getting better.  and i also acknowledge that i am blessed to have a job at all so i am thankful.

i have a family that loves and supports me.  they give their opinions, advice, but mostly they leave decisions to me…they are learning, lol.  i am glad to have them though and so thankful that i always have someone to lean on.

speaking of leaning on people, i have incredible friends here.  one in particular, i almost think of her as family now, along with her husband and kids.  i love them and am blessed that they include me in things so often including tomorrow’s holiday dinner.  i am not making the drive to see my family because i only have tomorrow off of work and am back at it on friday.  but it will still be a great day and i will be around people that i am thankful for. 

my other friends whom i have met online.  the things i have learned, the ways i have been prompted to grow and the closeness that has developed.  i never could have imagined or come close to fathoming it but i love them too.  amazing amazing support.

so this holiday like a lot of people, i have much to be thankful for and i hope that you too will count your blessings, take time to remember how much we have and gobble up that turkey.

Emotions to struggle with

i used to struggle with frustration.  i was so easily frustrated, i would shut down and that would be it for me.  i pushed people away either by acting out or just by running.  now i am better at that.  i don’t allow frustration to have that kind of hold.  i breathe.  i pause.  i know how to deal.  i do have something that have been struggling with though.  the feeling of being overwhelmed is so hard for me right now.  this mostly happens at work when i have so many things thrown at me and i feel like i am drwoning in it all.  today was especially bad with that.  i got tears in my eyes at my desk and really questioned can i do this.  i am in a new position at work and i only had three days of training before they let me go do my thing.  it has been hard but today it was so busy with so much to remember and so many piles of paper to attend to.  it was overwhelming.  it makes me think of a verse that a friend showed me a few years ago.  “For troubles surround me-too many to count!  They pile up so high I can’t see my way out.  They are more numerous than the hairs on my head.  I have lost all my courage.” Psalm 40:12  But then you go down a few verses and it says, “As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord is thinking about me right now.” v. 17  when i would feel overwhelmed by thoughts of worry or fear, she would point me to that verse and for a week she told me to take time out to go watch the sunset every night and think of that verse.  it makes me smile now to think about that.  since subset happens while i am at work, i think there will be some sunrises in my future.

blessed

i went up to visit my family for my birthday and had a great time.  i got to hold my nephew a lot and saw him starting to smile and coo.  he is getting to be a big boy!  i mostly hung out at my sister’s house with the kids.  i didn’t get to see my dad because he was working a lot but i am sure i will get to soon.  i came back yesterday for the wedding of some friends from work.  it was nice and i had a great time getting dressed up and make-up which i don’t usually wear.  this morning i had my baptism and my sister and nephew surprised me by coming down for it.  i was really excited to have them there and my friend from work came with her husband and daughter.  it was so special to have people there supporting me.  i wasn’t as nervous as you would think.  i did start to get nervous while i was talking and reading my story.  it is a lot to take in being in front of all those people with a big spotlight on you.  it was a pretty amazing feeling though and i am really proud of myself.  a funny side note…totally forgot dry underwear to put on afterward which my sister and friend found hilarious, lol.  after baptism, my sister and i went out to lunch which was nice.  i have said it before i know but it is so great to have some time with my sister.  i love her so much.  also just having my friend be there for me this morning, it meant more than i can put into words.  it really makes you realize the importance of friends and how good of friends you have.  i am blessed, truly blessed.

big week

today i started my new position at work and i love it.  there is a lot to learn but i pick up on things quickly usually so i am not worried.  there is always lots to do also so it makes the day go by so fast!  the person who is training me is really great and she moved from my previous position to where she is now about a year ago so she knows both sides.  it is nice.  i am only working three days this week and then i have my birthday thursday which i am taking off work.  i am taking friday off too so i can go up and see my family for a bit.  i am excited to hold my nephew again.  saturday i am coming back so i can go to a wedding for people at work.  then sunday morning i have my baptism which i am really looking forward to. 

speaking of the wedding i went to the bachelorette party last friday night and my gosh i had such an awesome time.  i have not let go like that since my last birthday.  we went to a club that plays 80’s music and danced and danced and danced.  it was awesome.  so i have a lot coming up and i am looking forward to all of it!

thoughts in motion

my birthday is in one week.  i am not nearly as worked up about it as i was last year.  now i am excited about going up and seeing my family, holding my nephew, and playing with my niece.  then a few days later i have my baptism which is also exciting.  it seems like there is so much going on lately and my thoughts are endless.  i have actually been writing little tidbits but then just saving them on wordpad documents.  they are little thoughts or questions i have at the end of the day.  most of it has been faith related lately so i am keeping some of that to myself.  but all in all it is good.  i love writing because it is an outlet that is unmatched by other things.  so yea i am still here although not all that expressive on my blog in the last few weeks.  just lots of thoughts and exciting things in the near future.  i will keep checking in and write when i have things to share.  maybe a poem or two coming up, we shall see…

the snooze button and words

lately it has been so hard to get up in the morning.  i was never one to use snooze on my alarm, and i mean never…not even in college.  so now that i started using it, i am like what are you doing??  i really really need to get back into a schedule because when i was getting the same amount of sleep every night, i was more awake and in the mornings it wasn’t hard to get up at all because i felt rested.  so that is being added to my goals.  my other one? watching what i say.  i think those two are sufficient for the time being.  i heard someone say once that no one should ever leave your presence feeling less than…less than capable, less than smart, less than great, you name it.  they should always walk away feeling more than.  i thought about that and that is a weighty concept.  i know the impact that words have on me and i know that when people encourage me or even just give me a good thinking or way to go with that…it matters.  so anyway, that is where my thoughts are right now.

productive and relaxing? wow who knew

This last weekend was both productive and relaxing.  in other words i had a great weekend!  friday night i went grocery shopping with meal plans in mind.  that definitely helps with staying on budget.  it is also really helpful when you have thought out lunches for the week, less temptation to go out and get something i really want instead of just something i threw in a bag on my way out the door.  saturday was football day of course and my Spartans won, hooray!  i also made a batch of laundry soap which turned out awesome.  i love it that it saves me so much money.  in the afternoon i made ham, cheese, and potato soup…it was as good as it sounds.  i am reading an interesting book called “Magdalene” and was able to get into that on commercials and in between games.  saturday night i watched Coyote Ugly.  i forgot how much i liked that movie, how fun. 

Sunday was another day of getting things done.  i went to church and let me tell ya i am learning more and more and just enjoying the direction i am headed in.  i came home and it was like this cleaning bug infected me.  i am ashamed to say that i still had quite a few boxes from the move months and months ago.  i got rid of about 4 of those and cleaned out the fridge, took out the garbage.  next it was laundry time and i did about 6 loads throughout the afternoon and evening.  i made sloppy joes for lunches this week and then had some time to relax and watch tv/movies.  i still have not gotten my Phantom of the Opera fix yet.  (i happened upon the soundtrack in my CD case last week and it made me want to watch it again…i love that musical)  but things are great!  i am healthy again and looking forward.