decisions…so good to know they are right

i have never been good at making decisions, well at least that is my opinion of myself.  and because i have this opinion i hate making them, i dread it.  i put it off, i second guess, i beat all options to death. the inevitably i look back and think what if? what if i had chosen differently? was that really the right decision?  i don’t mean little decisions like what am i going to wear or what am i going to eat, although i do have those moments sometimes, but then again i think we all do from time to time.  i am talking about the big ones, the life changing ones like where do i move after college or what college do i go to or when should i buy a house instead of apartment, etc.  i hve looked back many many times and thought that i made a bad decision in big things but on the other hand i try to remind myself that if i hadn’t chosen that way then i would not have had the good experiences that i had or met the people that i met.  BUT in saying all that, when i do realize a great decision that i have made, it is incredibly encouraging to me and makes me feel so good about myself that i could almost burst, lol.  that is how i am right now. see i have my teaching license and would love to be teaching but i am not.  i have a different job right which i was doing part time while i substituted.  recently in the last year i decided to go full time with that job and stop with teaching for a while.  it was a hard decision.  i know people, family even, look at me and say why? why aren’t you teaching? you are never gonna be teaching if you don’t get out there.  but i did what i did and even got offered a promotion.  another decision, to take it and stay longer with the company or pass it up?  i took it and love what i am doing, love my boss, and am excelling.  now comes the biggest indicator…the district that i was substituting for, major shakeup.  there are administrators being laid off left and right..along with teachers, told they can reapply for their jobs next year.  all in an attempt to get more funding from the state.  i think it is all crap myself but mostly, mostly i am just really glad that i am not in the middle of it all.  i am so so glad that i am where i am and have a steady dependable job.  i know that i am on the right path and right where i am supposed to be.  talk about a boost to my confidence.  it is amazing!

update on new things

i went on a blind date last night.  it was with a group of people which helped a lot but i had a blast!  i didn’t really get to talk one on one with the guy so i don’t know much about him still but it was so fun.  i laughed and laughed.  i wasn’t really that nervous…i had been praying for a few days that i would just be relaxed and be myself…and that i would guard my heart against getting too excited and getting ahead of myself.  see i know myself and i know how i can get wrapped up in what might be and then be so so let down if things don’t work in that way.  so i had fun and even though i am not sure anything with develop, it was still really good.   it made me want to get out there more.

i woke up this morning with a sore throat and sinus headache which i am pretty sure is due to the huge weather changes that we have been having.  i have been drinking lots of oj and taking medicine so i am hoping that will take care of it.  anyway, just an update…we will see how things go this week.  i am looking forward to what lies ahead.

seeing things differently

a couple thoughts with no real cohesiveness but i wanted to write.  last week i started exercising after work.  i did the treadmill three days last week and am going to do all five this week.  so hopefully that will continue to go well.  i also bought a new book, a sort of devotional that i am aiming for every morning before i get out of bed so that is what is new.

last friday i was talking to a friend after work and said something about trying something new although i cannot remember exactly what i was talking about and he said “but i like this friend, she is happy and smiley.  i like this one.”  he was referring to me and how i have been in the last few months.  i was kind of surprised and asked what he meant but that was about all i could get from him.  i thought it interesting and it made me smile and feel good.  change is noticed and that makes it worth it. 

i went to church this morning and wow was it good.  i was talking to a friend this afternoon and told her that.  she asked what it was about and i told her saying that sometimes we know things and that causes us to gloss over them when we are reading, when we are made to look at them and pause to think on them, it is different.  i was reading a book tonight and it touched on this a bit n reference to creation and what we see.  the author said, “there are daily wonders that waken worship if i open my eyes.”  that struck me along the same lines of pausing to take things in.  there are so many times i look at the sunrise and don’t even think about it.  there are so many things that the sunrise should and could evoke in me if i just paused that extra second to think on it and let that in.  so in keeping with my resolution to live more in the moment that is what i am talking about…little things make a huge difference.  newness in every day is something to be treasured and pondered…

It’s a New year…

so i thought i would look back on last year and what happened with me.  2009 was a year that i found happiness…not in other people, relationships, or things but in me.  i found what it took for ME to be happy.  strangely enough, it wasn’t all too difficult.  i think we get so jumbled up sometimes and make things way more difficult than they were intended to be.  anyhow, yes it was a happy year and of course one of more learning.  then again, what is it they say if you stop learning you had better check your pulse because you are probably dead.  i learned more about choices which ties nicely into happiness.  i also took a vacation in 2009 that stands out to me because i realized something important there.  i treated myself to a trip to New York for me to celebrate my 30 th birthday.  while i was there, i purposed to pause and really take in the moment.  i remember standing in the mall there with the hugest smile on my face and just looking around thinking this is what it is about.  it is about taking risks, it is about living in the moment, it is about doing what you want and not worrying about what might be.  and when i came home and was back at work, i could close my eyes and feel what i felt on vacation.  i always purposed while i was there to do more things, to not stay shut up in my apartment.  there is so much out there to see and do.  it is something i am taking into this new year…be more spontaneous, live in the moment.  2009 was a year of change in a lot of ways.   some letting go, some “you are always with me”  it was a great year and one that i am both sad and happy to see go.  it changed me as i hope every year does.

one more thing…today i was cleaning up and came across one of those cards that you can get with the meaning of a name on it.  i found one that my grandma had given me years ago and was struck by its accuracy, mostly.

“does not look down on others; she is serious about her feelings; dauntless, courageous, and bold; if she is busy, she is happy; gives of herself willingly; has hasty speech and a quick temper; has a good day when she learns something new; works diligently for the benefit of others”  *smiles*

Fun holiday

Christmas was very good.  the roads did not end up being bad at all and i actually made really good time driving.  i went to my dad’s on Christmas Eve and got to see everyone there…sister, brother in law, nice, nephew, other sister, her boyfriend, dad, and his wife.  my nephew is just a little pudge, 4 months old and when you get that smile and laugh out of him it is priceless.  my niece is almost 19 months and she is talk talk talk.  BUT the best part…the absolute BEST part is…she says my name, no one else’s but MINE *beams*  i love it, she will say it and i say yes honey and she just does that little giggle, so proud that i know what she is saying.  it is awesome.  we had fun eating and talking and just hanging out.  that is what i love most about my dad’s.  we all get together and just chill.  there is very little drama and things are mostly calm.  Christmas morning we went to my sister’s house to watch the kids open presents and my brother in law made us a big breakfast.  ( i got so spoiled with big breakfasts over the holiday and now cereal just doesn’t cut it before work, lol)  the kids liked there stuff and my niece’s present, i got her this was a big hit.  hooray for auntie!  things went well although i was mostly ready to come back Christmas night.  i babysat for my niece and nephew on Saturday night which was a nightmare, ugh!  but since this is a happy post i won’t get into it.  i survived and now know that i will never breastfeed my babies if i have any.  well i should go grab some food and snuggle in.  hope that your holidays were great too!

the most wonderful time of the year…

i woke up this morning and it was the prettiest snow falling.  when i went out to my car i looked up and just watched the flakes falling down…my favorite.  i wished that i could have had a snow day just to stay outside and play in it but alas i had to go to work.  things went well though and it was a good day with even some sunshine.  i feel like a little kid wishing everyday that Christmas would come faster.  not because i am so looking forward to what i am going to get but more about what i am giving…the excitement for people to see what i give them and not only that but getting to spend time with my family, especially my niece and nephew.  i haven’t seen everyone since my birthday weekend and i know that the kids are growing so much and changing.  i am so so thankful for a great family that i can visit and spend time with over the holiday.  i am giddy just thinking about it.  i keep praying and praying that the weather will be bearable and not treacherous.  so hopefully that will hold out.  regardless though i am excited, thrilled, and anticipating a wonderful holiday.  i hope that you all have a wonderful one as well and that you feel the love and peace of Christmas!

on the mend

another weekend is just about over…the weekend before Christmas.  this morning i went to church for the third Sunday of Christmas festivities.  it was all about music this morning which i absolutely love.  there are so many talented people and hearing them just makes me smile as i sit there.  of course i love singing too and Christmas music is so special.  after church i went to lunch with some friends and we had a good time.  then some grocery shopping and home in time for a nap.  i have been trying to get lots of sleep this weekend because i started getting sick with a head cold last Wednesday.  Thursday was the worst with a bad sinus headache and my head was all full.  i made it through though and with lots of extra sleep i am almost back to normal, thank God. 

i passed on making fudge this year and went for red velvet cupcakes with peppermint flavoring instead…YUM!  i am seriously getting so so excited about Christmas coming.  i cannot wait until Thursday when i get to go see my family. and i really cannot wait until i get to see my niece and nephew.  so this week will hopefully go by quickly and it will be Christmas before i know it, complete with snow but please please no freezing rain Thursday when i have to drive.

loved

“i love you more than the sun and the stars that i taught how to shine.  you are mine and you shine for me too.  i love you yesterday and today and tomorrow i’ll say it again and again i love you more…and i see you…and i made you…and i love you more than you can imagine, more than you can fathom.  i love you more than the sun and you shine for me.”  -Matthew West

i love it when i get in my car and the radio comes on with a song like that.  what a great reminder!

realizations

early in the week, i had a run in with my mom that sent me reeling.  some that know me might read this and think why did you allow it? i will say it has been a long while since i had this kind with her and it knocked me for a loop.  i wasn’t ready, i let my guard down and before i knew it i was that 16 year old girl scared that her mom was going to do something crazy to harm herself.  of course after about an hour she called like nothing had happened and was “normal”  i was still leery of it all and in the days since i have been distant with her.  it is hard to let her back in.  tonight i was walking into my closet to find something to wear out and there was one of my photo boxes on the floor, spilled open.  it must have fallen off the shelf.  i went to pick it up and noticed all the notes in there.  see, i have probably 3 photo boxes not filled with photos but of notes and cards and letters from when i was living in Texas and Oklahoma.  when i was at an internship in Texas, my mom would send me packages and little notes from home all the time.  it was special and a taste of home when i was living so far away.  so tonight as i bent down and read a note or two, it was just a realization i guess, a reminder of how much she loves me.  as one friend has told me, she is my mom…the only one i have.  i do love her, and i also KNOW her so i need to move on.  when i go up there next time i think i am going to talk to her about it and about what she does to me.  i think she knows, i think it is just hard or her.  she doesn’t have friends that she can talk to so she calls me.  it sucks and i know that i need to not allow it in like i did the other day.  like i said, i had my guard down.  i choose how things affect me, i choose how i react.  so a reminder on both fronts…she is my mom and i love her…and i choose the degree in which i let people affect me.

why is quiet so hard to take?

life is bustling all around

caught up in it

my mind is racing

and thoughts abound

 

the stillness, the quiet

almost impossible to find

or is it a fear

stuck in my mind

 

if i let the silence in

what else will follow

what meaning will come

making life less hollow

 

why is it so hard

to stop, be still, and listen

fear, comfort, busyness too

all of these cloud our vision

 

do try it though

let the calm rush in

take a breath

and feel the peace begin

 

you just may find

that soundless abyss

is not scary at all

but rather is bliss