just about the best birthday…

i was just back home for my birthday weekend and had the best birthday i have had in a while.  i went to my sister’s and helped rake leaves on Saturday morning.  it was a gorgeous day and i showed the kids how to jump into the leaves.  we had a blast raking them up and then falling into them.  i got some great pictures of them and was loving their giggles as they kept saying again, again!  i also got to visit a little with my dad and watch some football.  then that night we went to a restaurant that we used to go to with my grandparents all the time.  it is one of those things that is such a big part of my memories growing up.  we used to do a lot of family things…like my whole family with aunt, uncles, and cousins.  we all went to the same church, celebrated birthdays and Christmases together.  i guess that is kind of surprising considering how split everyone is now.  it was really great now looking back on it though.  i am so incredibly glad that we had that.  anyway, we went and the dinner was so yummy and i got to have a piece of awesome pie for my birthday with a candle in it.  they all sang happy birthday to me and i just had the best time. 

the rest of the weekend was pretty great, just enjoying the time and the beautiful weather.  this is gonna be a pretty boring post even though i haven’t posted in a long time.  i have started so many but then got distracted.  there have been lost of ups and downs the last few months.  i am looking very hard for a new job and really searching for what i should do next and when.  lots of options right now just trying to decide which is the wisest option to take and when.  just because there is opportunity, doesn’t mean it is the right one.  that is basically the short version of what is going on.

Steady she goes…

i took my teaching test…reading, writing, and math.  i passed reading and math and should find out in about a week if i passed the writing part.  i am very optimistic.  so yea, another step on the pathway.  from time to time i go from complete trust that God has a plan and is working everything out to oh my gosh i really want out of my job right now please.  it is really all about the trust and i know that.  i am just REALLY bad at being patient, lol.  i am just glad that i am following through and i know everything will happen when it is supposed to.

i ran my first 10K…well ran/walked.  it was a challenge and i am so proud of myself for doing it!! my time was 1 hour 19 minutes and 51 seconds.  it was very cool.  i did it with a couple people from work and am definitely glad that we did it.  we are already looking forward to doing it next year and being more prepared for it as well, lol. 

other things…i am excited about next week being a four day week.  i have friday off work so i can go spend more time with my family and see a friend that i have not spent time with in a long time.  i am excited to catch up with her and share what is going on with me.  Fall is in the air and that makes me very happy!  i feel like i am becoming more of the person that i want to be and that may sound weird but i can’t really explain it other than to say that i am walking out what is inside me and everything i want.  so i am finding more and more contentment even in the struggles.

dance lessons, lol

This is what i keep thinking of, and i love this clip by the way.  when Will Smith stops him and and tells him this is where you live, this is home.  none of this…making the pizza, no just right here.  Trust, this is where i live, this is home. none of this…but am i supposed to be moving? no, just right here…trust.  none of the…but do you want me to look for another job.  just the trust.  “i trust in your unfailing love.” this is where i am right now and you know what…that is where i find my peace.  i felt like i was coming apart and now this is where my joy is…the simplest thing of just trusting in him.  when i am near to him, i know that i am right where i need to be.

So good

i love it when i go to church and sit there feeling like God is speaking directly to me through the pastor.  Like the entire message was crafted just for me.  yesterday was that way for me…it was as if pastor and i were sitting in a room and he was just talking to me.  i have written here just a little about the rough time i am going through but mostly i have kept a lot of it to myself.  i have struggled with how i am feeling and figuring out what i should feel.  saturday i was thinking about emotions and came up with teh question of if i could give up one emotion and never feel it again, which one would it be? not much thought needed…frustration is what i would give up.  it leads me to bad places and bad emotions.  well i go into church on sunday and the message is on emotions.  when it seemed so hard in worship to let my walls down, when i just felt like i was in a fog, now God had my full attention.  and i tell you what, i was surprised about what i heard and what i learned.  it continues to today and tonight.  i was trying all day just to keep my eyes on him.  i wore a rubberband around my wrist to remind me, a tangible reminder.  when i got home from work, i put on some music to focus on God, His character and who He is.  and i just fell apart…telling Him i don’t know how to feel, where to go, what to say, what to do.  i feel alone, the place where i am afraid of most…and since i was heading there i backed away from people, wanting for it to be on my terms because that makes it easier.  and i started to back away from this place…needing to go.  but i also don’t want my fear and my feelings about things right now here to get in the way of what He wants me to do.  i was led back to scripture from yesterday at church.  “But i trust in your unfailing love. i will rejoice because you have rescued me. i will sing to the Lord for he has been so good to me” Psalm 13:5-6  

those verses…i am repeating them over and over letting them sink deep inside me.  i cling to them and as i sang, i felt the question…Will you trust in me?  my answer is yes and i will walk out that answer.  that is where i am…there is where i am living right now, trust.

Lots on my mind so i will just go with bullet points

- so very excited for vacation which is only 11 days away!!! i will get to see the ocean for the first time and hang out with one of my friends who i have not seen in way too long. i miss her so much especially now that friendships here are miinimal at best.

- friendships…my friend who i have distanced myself from, sent me a message about how this has all sucked for her. part of me blanched at that, thinking really? it has sucked for you? because it has been all rainbows and butterflies on my end. i waited to respond and told her that beasically things hadn’t changed and i couldn’t put myself in certain situations anymore. i am not over it, it sucks. losing your best friend sucks.

- work has its moments and i have moments where i just want to be done there, seriously done.

- i don’t know where i am being led right now but i have begun to research teaching in other places. i know that while i fulfill requirements, i can substitute. i just briefly breezed through some sites last night and will probably look up some more today.

but this morning, i am in a parade which i am really excited about! i love parades and walking in one and handing out candy is so fun! so that is me right now. i think that looking forward to vacation right now is my biggest and most needed distraction.

what a difference it makes

it is quite amazing the difference it makes in my day when i take my eyes off me and put them on God. today was a night and day difference from yesterday. so many things i have been thinking on. one is “Better is the end of a thing than the beginning of a thing. And better is the patient in sprit than the proud in spirit. Do not be hasty in thy spirit to be angry, for anger rests in the bosom of fools.” Ecclesiastes 7:8-9 i have also been listening to a song made of Psalm 145 by Shane & Shane. sometimes i listen to it over and over again. it says in there The Lord is gracious and slow to anger, He is rich in love, He is good to all. so much good wisdom right now. my eyes are on him and i am being put back together. i will leave this post with this which i just read.
“If you need wisdom- if you want to know what God wants you to do- ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask him, be sure you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” James 1:5-6

change…hmmmm

Last week hit a rough spot around the middle of the week and gradually i am coming apart here and questioning a lot of things.  i don’t have a best friend here anymore and that has been the case for the last month.  that has been bothering me a lot, because i miss her.  i miss having that friendship.  i know that it is not a good situation though and that i can’t be a part of it anymore.  other friends i have are just work friends and not anyone that i really hang out with.  so i have been trying to change my focus and think about other things.  i have gotten a little involved in volunteering with a local radio station and their events.  i am also focused on training for the 10K in September.  i have vacation to look forward to in a little over three weeks.  

work this last week put me over the edge to where i just checked out.  i was there, i was going through the motions but nothing extra.  if i am honest with myself, this is not where i want to be or what i want to be doing.  i saw a commercial the other day where this guy was talking about how he got this degree from this particular school, goes to work at a job that he loves every day, and goes home to his family.  i thought, wow i wonder how it feels to go to a job you love every day.  i don’t know that feeling right now.  there are so many things that upset me there, with the feeling of people in authority being so passive and just a “not caring” attitude.  it bothers me because i bust my ass to get things done and done correctly and if they don’t care, then why should i? i know that realistically it is because it is in my character to do my best and be a hard worker even if others are not.  it just gets hard sometimes when it feels like it doesn’t matter. 

this last weekend i went to see my family and had a long talk with one of my sisters just about things i am thinking about and where i am.  i have a lot of research to do and praying as well.  i need to seek direction because i feel like i am going to be starting in a new direction.  a few years ago, i had told a friend of mine that i needed to move away.  i have this thing about being in a place for a certain amount of time and then leaving, getting the itch.  He said what are you thinking? you have a great job, and great friends there…you need to stay put.  He was right…at the time.  right now i feel like i don’t have either of those things…yes a steady good paying job but i don’t like it and am not happy.  deal breakers.

thoughts…and its hot

it is starting to feel a little like elementary school at work with some people.  Feels like i have to babysit some just so they get their jobs right while others just act so childish that i want to scream get over it.   although i am not entirely sure that i handled the whole best friend thing that well (am still working through that in myself) i still think that is no reason to treat others rudely.  i don’t know maybe she is just having her own issues.  dont get me wrong, it is not that i am miserable at work because life is definitely too short to be that way.  i am in good spirits and have even gotten so much better at stress and handling it when a bunch of things come at me at one time.  so yes, things are good overall

 Just about one month left before i go on vacation and i am on the countdown.  i just want to get away from the drama and crap.  my friend that i am going to spend the week with there secretly is hoping that i like it so much there that i will want to move.  realistically it is unlikely that i would make that kind of move but there is a part of me that jumps at that.  we will see what happens.  anyway, it is hot here and maybe that is making people more cranky and childish, not in a good way. 

one a positive note, i am jazzed about making new things food wise.  i found an article on a website that had kid friendly poolside snacks.  they had chickpeas that are seasoned and roasted in the oven, they become crunchy like nuts.  i really want to try those.  There are some other things on there like strawberry and cream cheese sandwiches that i think my niece and nephew would like.  i am excited to share it with my sister and make some of this stuff.  i also bought this new kind of pepper that i am thinking about putting in rice bowls this weekend.  it is supposed to have a sweet taste to it and i think that would go well with some black beans, rice, pulled pork, sour cream.  yum, now i am making myself hungry. Not much else going on, just trying to stay cool.

 

a great weekend

i had a nice relaxing weekend, just what i needed. i went to the farmer’s market on saturday morning and it was gorgeous outside.  i picked up a lot of fresh vegetables which made me excited.  then i bought some new worship CD’s and went to hang out at the pool for a bit.  it was pretty cloudy but i still got really sunburned.  i have been putting aloe on and am hoping that the red turns tan. 

today i went to early service at church so that i could get home before the heat got too bad.  i made an awesome soup today with yellow summer squash, green beans, carrots, corn, red potatoes, and pulled pork.  it was delicious! other than that i have just been relaxing here.  it is hotter than hades outside so i am happy to be in.  it is supposed to stay that way throughout the week so we will see.  thankfully i have been running inside on the treadmill where it is air conditioned so this heat won’t get in the way of that.  that is all for now…

Happenings

hmmm where do i start?  it has been a long time, longer than it should be.  i love writing  here and think it is so helpful just in getting things out.  it just falls by the wayside sometimes and other things take up the time.  i guess i will go with bullet points as that will be the easiest way.

- this week i am signing up to run a 10K, which is 6.2 miles.  it is happening at the end of September and i think it will be a big accomplishment for me.  i have run three 5K races in the last year and i really want to show myself that i can do this.  i have just gotten back to training after being lazy for a bit.  Monday i ran 2 miles and today i did 2.5 miles so i am pushing myself and trying to build up endurance before i even consider working on speed.  so things are going well there.

- i went on the yearly vacation with my dad up to a family cabin…of course my sister and brother-in-law and niece and nephew were there as well.  i had some speed bumps along the way but i took my peaceful moments, fought for them, and really took the opportunity to savor the moments.  i think that is so important, a lesson i learned a while ago but only have truly embraced in the last few years.  i still can remember being in Syracuse, NY and stopping and telling myself to look around and soak in all of this…this is for me.  what a gift those moments and times are. 

- i am going on vacation again in a month. this time i am going to the east coast to see the ocean for the first time.  i am SO excited!! i am visiting a friend who lives there who i haven’t seen in probably 5 years.  i miss her like crazy and with recent events which i will talk about next, i miss friendships like that more than i can say.

- now that i have listed all the good things that have happened and are coming up…some rough stuff.  i have put distance between my best friend and i.  something happened while we were out and it made me uncomfortable since it wasn’t the first time i had seen some of this, i knew that i just couldn’t justify it any longer.  thinsg were awkward for about a week, then i went on vacation, and now things are weird, VERY different, but eh i am managing.  see we work together so that is why it is weird. it is hard because we used to talk about everything, hang out all the time, and now it is just nothing.  friends, are hard to come by…it is hard to lose them.  other things that i will keep private but that i miss more than i can possibly express and that have left me crying and questioning often.

so yea it is a mixed bag.  i know that i am doing what i know to be right for me.  that does not make it easy.  i have been reminded of when i had some roommates and then they moved out after a semester and i was getting new ones.  i felt so alone at the time, like everyone that i had become close to were gone.  it was a time when it was needed in my life, that i be stripped down so to speak so that i could get back to who i should be, who God wants me to be, where he takes away all distractions and all that is stealing my time including people so that i will turn to him and focus on what is most important.  being reminded of that, i am almost excited because i know at that time, it was huge in my growth and learning and i know there is so much that is in store for me.  so i just have to keep that at the forefront of my mind and not allow myself to get dragged down by all the woe is me, i’m all alone, don’t feel like i fit in anymore type of thoughts and mindsets…which by the way was totally stealing my attention today.  see i told you that this writing stuff helps.  so in following with the words of an unbelievable friend of mine, i will pick myself up, dust my ass off, and step forward